Feelings
Being sexually abused affects our lives in many different ways and brings feelings we may not have felt before. Sometimes they are all jumbled up inside. It may take a long while to discover them after keeping them hidden or trying to ignore them. Putting a name to feelings helps, but there is not a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel nor a set length of time in which you should be ‘over it’. Don’t let people tell you there is.
Feeling afraid
Fear is a natural reaction to an experience where someone stronger than you overpowers you. You can become very afraid of things you were not afraid of before, of men, of the dark, of certain situations, or you may have a general vague feeling of fear.
‘I get this panicky feeling sometimes when I can’t breathe properly. It just comes over me for no reason. I don’t go out of the house on my own now.’
Nightmare and memories
Sometimes a bad dream brings the memories of the abuse back to us. Or we see an image on television or hear a word which triggers a picture in our minds of what happened. At times like this it’s important to get support and talk to someone.
‘Sometimes when I smell alcohol on other people the memory comes back to me so strongly … it can make me physically sick.’
Feeling used and tricked
When a man sexually assaults a girl he abuses his power. He may have an unfair advantage because he is older, bigger, stronger or in a position of authority. Often he is someone you know – a family member, a friend, a neighbour or a school friend – someone you had trusted and couldn’t have suspected that he would abuse you.
‘How was I to know that this would happen? Nobody ever told me that men you know can rape you. I thought it was just strangers and weirdos that did that sort of thing. Mum and Dad always told me to beware of strangers. What good was that when it was my brother’s friend who raped me?’
Feeling lonely
Sometimes everyone simply expects you to get on with your life and not talk about how you feel. Your friends and parents may not understand: keeping it all to yourself can be a very lonely business.
‘I had nobody at all to talk to. I thought I was going mad. I felt totally isolated.’
Feeling guilty and ashamed
Often girls and women feel to blame for being raped or abused. The guilt can be made worse if the man said things like ‘you asked for it’ or ‘you enjoyed it’ even when you know you didn’t. Or maybe your parents got angry because you broke a rule when it happened and blame you for being out too late, for drinking or for having a boy in the house when you were not allowed. But it is important to remember that the only person to blame is the man who raped or abused you.
‘When we did sex education at school I realised what it was that my dad had been doing with me. I was so disgusted and ashamed. I felt dirty ‘cause I knew it was him that was wrong but I hadn’t been able to stop him.’
Feeling worthless
Being abused or raped leaves some girls with a strong feeling that they must be worth nothing to anyone. Feeling worthless means hating yourself, believing that you are not valuable or lovable. It’s as though all the bad parts of the abuse have stuck to you and have changed the way you see yourself.
‘I hate it when people say nice things about me. I always think they must be lying.’
Feeling different from everyone else
Many girls say they feel as though they are different from others because of the abuse or the rape and feel as if there’s something about them that has caused it. This can be particularly strong if you were abused by more than one person. It can become easier when you realise that many other girls have had experiences like yours.
‘I used to stand in the playground with my friends and think if they ever knew about the rape they would never want to be my friend.’
Feeling angry
It makes sense to feel angry after abuse. Anger is a natural reaction to a wrong done against you. But girls and women find it hard to get angry because we are not encouraged to be loud or aggressive. It is useful to find ways to direct your anger to make it safe and healthy, without hurting yourself or others.
‘I used to go out the back and smash old bottles against the wall. I would imagine I was throwing them at him and call him names in my head, thinking about how I hated him.’
Feeling sad and depressed
Depression is a very common reaction to abuse and rape and it is important to find someone to talk to if you feel overwhelmed by sadness. Depression can be anger you are turning in on yourself.
‘I remember spending days on my own just crying my eyes out … I felt I’d nothing to live for.’
‘Don’t Touch Me!’
Your body belongs to you and nobody has the right to use it sexually without your consent. When someone has raped you or touched you in a sexual way, or made you touch them, they took control of your body. This can leave you with the feeling that you can’t bear anyone to touch you at all. Things that you didn’t mind before – like an uncle putting an arm around your shoulders, or a friend taking you by surprise and touching your arm when you didn’t expect it – can suddenly be unbearable.
There’s nothing unusual in wanting to keep a physical distance from others. It’s a way of taking back control of your body and it’s important to feel safe. This can happen gradually as you too learn to like your body as your own again and you feel able to say ‘my body belongs to me’ – and believe it.
Feeling confused
You might be confused about what you experienced. You may think that it couldn’t have been a rape or sexual assault because you didn’t actually say ‘no’ but you didn’t really want to do it either.
You may have felt pressurised into having sex with threats such as:
‘If you don’t do it with me I’ll tell everyone you did anyway and they’ll think you’re a slag.’
‘I can get any girl I want. If you won’t do it we’re finished.’
Or you might be scared that your boyfriend will be violent to you, hit you or hurt you in some other way.
If you have been experiencing abuse for a long time from someone you know, you might feel that you can’t say ‘no’ because you’ve always agreed before, or your abuser may have threatened you, a member of your family or threatened to tell people what’s been happening between you and that it was all your fault.
These are common threats that abusers use. This is still sexual assault and sexual abuse because you are being coerced into doing something you would not do if you had a free choice. Some girls and women feel guilty because they get some sexual pleasure out of the act while it is being done to them – this does not mean that you wanted the abuse to happen, it is your body’s natural way of responding to sexual stimulus.
I don’t know how I feel
It’s possible that you simply don’t know how you feel, or feel nothing at all just now. Sometimes you feel numb from the shock. It takes time to come to terms with an experience such as sexual assault or rape and your feelings will develop and change over the months and years. It may be that you’re not ready to deal with your feelings yet. Accept your feelings when they do come and don’t be afraid to ask for support later.
