Coping

Sexual abuse can affect every part of your life, changing the way you feel about yourself and towards others for a long time afterwards.  You may react in ways you can’t help, start to behave differently or lie to yourself about what happened to try to cope with the hurt.  These ways of coping can cause even more problems.

Acting tough

‘I’m old for my age.  I’m not a kid any more.’

‘When I was raped I was thirteen.  I started smoking and drinking and taking drugs and got in with a gang to prove how hard I was.  I suppose I wanted to show that I was tough.’

‘I don’t want to talk about it.  Why don’t you just mind your own business?  I’m fine.’

‘I remember I wouldn’t let anyone know how I was feeling.  It was like my armour against the rest of the world.’

Pretending it didn’t happen

‘I thought I must have made it up – he was too nice to have done that to me.’

‘I reported him to the police, but when they found out at the club my friends all go to, they called me a liar and barred me.  Eventually I went back and told the police I had made it up – I couldn’t stand the pressure.  So for ages I had to deny it ever happened at all – even to myself.’

‘It’s all in the past now.  I’ve put it all behind me.’

Making excuses

‘He couldn’t control himself.’

‘He didn’t mean to hurt me.  He didn’t realise it was wrong.  Perhaps he was lonely.’

‘I used to think maybe I’d dreamed it all, and it couldn’t really have been all that bad.  I couldn’t face the idea that someone I trusted would rape me.  But he did do it – and it does matter.  I won’t ever make excuses for him again.’

Shutting everyone out

‘I never told anyone how I felt, I just kept it bottled up inside.  I thought no-one would believe me or they’d think I was silly to get upset about it.’

‘I keep myself to myself.  I don’t need other people.  I suppose I’m a bit of a loner.’

Hurting or neglecting yourself

‘I stopped eating – starved myself. I started bingeing and making myself sick.’

‘I used to cut my arms and make myself bleed.  The physical pain seemed to stop the pain inside.’

‘I stopped bothering about myself and didn’t wash myself or comb my hair.  I wanted to make myself look as horrible as possible.  I thought that would stop it happening again.’

Sleeping around

‘He called me a whore.  I was only twelve.  I thought that was what I was so I started sleeping around, having sex with lots of different boys.  I wanted to hurt them like I was hurt.’

‘My step dad said you mustn’t do this with anyone else … but as soon as the lads in my class paid attention to me I did all the sexual things with them.  I didn’t know how to say no.’